Yep, I'm procrastinating working on my paper again. I have my lunch in front of me (still hot from the microwave), so I suppose that's acceptable. If not, too dang bad. My mood is such that nobody really wants to deal with me (even if they gave a crap), and I'm ok with that. I need to make a decision to either start working 110% 24/7 on my paper and try to pull it out in the next couple days or just take the stress off and pay the f*#!@ing tuition for 1 fall credit hour. The first option seriously puts my sanity in jeopardy, but the second does serious damage to what's left of my savings, self esteem, and my relationship with my advisor. When you can't really afford, in whatever way, either option, what do you do?
My first instinct, as it has been a LOT lately, is to just go run and let myself calm down. Besides the fact that going for a run isn't going to even remotely help my problem, I don't know where I should run. I acknowledge the fact that I need to stop "worrying" about finding the Metroparks code words, so I'm not going to go way out of my way to run. I had thought about running on campus and the University/Parks Trail, but I just don't feel comfortable running here lately with all the crime going on. I lived on or near campus for 6 years and only felt the slightest bit uneasy a couple times (usually involving walking the neighborhood "behind engineering" late at night), but things have changed. I don't know if it's my perception of the area or things really are the way I see them. Yes, crime has risen a bit, but maybe my discomfort stems from the fact that I don't know the POPULATION around campus like I used to. During undergrad and early grad school, I knew people who lived EVERYWHERE around campus and I knew that if there ever WAS something wrong, I had someplace safe to go. I don't have that feeling of safety anymore. Yes, I could carry pepper spray (and I do have a canister with a clip that I run with occasionally, but that doesn't even seem to help my apprehension. I don't know. I love when campus is quiet during summer semester, but I guess the quiet can be just as (possibly) dangerous as the crowds. I can run trails in the darkest parts of the metroparks and not think twice, but running around campus and the city spooks me. Ugh.
Our advisor and JB are upstairs working on JB's thesis defense for tomorrow morning and I don't know how long that'll take. I really need to talk to advisor-man about what's going on, but just the thought of it makes my stomach twist and my heart rate skyrocket. I've never been nervous to talk to him before, even when the $#!% hit the fans on my data, so I don't know why this is so hard for me. I hate that I'm disappointing him ... and myself.
Rain or no rain ... I'm thinking this afternoon is going to be spent pushing myself through a long run on the towpath trail along the river ... with my iPod to distract me.